i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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