why im i the only drunk person in the library?
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
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