I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
