that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Randomize
