hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
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I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
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You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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