can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
