dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
