i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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