You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
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Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
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She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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