I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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