I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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