go do what you do best...puke behind churches
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
