Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
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