I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Randomize
