I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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