He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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