she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
The uberlube is also flammable
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
