ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
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She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
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My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize