Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
