I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
