Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
