Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
