You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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