ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
