If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
