How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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