my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
No subtext here. People are naked.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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