I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
