This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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