I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
