I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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