I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Randomize
