I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
