so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
