There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
