Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
