if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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