Screwed.edu
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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