Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Everything about him screamed your future.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
