ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
