I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
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