First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
