Please, let me fuck your mom
I think im going to throw up on grandma
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
There's always time for handjobs
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
