just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
