I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
should my penis look like a turkey
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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