Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
