Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
