Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
