70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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