the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
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Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
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I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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