I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
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to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
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You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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