The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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