woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
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