woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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