I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
