I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Randomize
