i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
