I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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